Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Still waiting...


I had an appointment with Dr. Smith today at 3:15.  Ray came with me.  The results from Pathology were not back yet.  They said it takes 24 – 28 hours and my tests got there after 5pm yesterday.  .  The nurses weren’t happy since they had been assured the tests would be back by my appointment. 

Dr. Smith said it could or couldn’t be cancer.  Dr. Smith showed me my last mammogram and the new mammogram.  He showed me there was no sign that the tumor had been missed on it.  Nothing was there.  Then he compared it to the new mammogram.  The tumor was double lobed and he said that was where it was confusing.  One lobe was smooth which makes it look non-cancerous.  The other lobe had a jagged edge which would make it look cancerous.  He said if he thought it looked totally positive that it was cancer he would tell me, but he couldn’t say for sure.  He said even if it wasn’t cancerous it would need to be removed because of its size.  So, at minimum, a Lumpectomy was going to need to be performed.

We were going to visit with Rachel and her family but I didn’t really feel up to it.  I had a lot of emotions I was trying to deal with so we just drove back to our apartment in Pocatello.  It was a lot to take in.  I called Rachel and let her know they didn’t have the results but that I would be having surgery regardless.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Plan for the worst and hope for the best…



I called Rosemark as soon as they opened at 8 am and got in at 11am to see Melissa Bates for an exam because of my concerns about the lump.  She was doing the manual exam, starting on the left side, just talking about random things.  When she got to my right side she started doing the exam and as soon as she got to the upper 12 o’clock area where the lump was she stopped talking and shot me a surprised and concerned look on her face.  I don’t think she did it on purpose.  I think it was more of a shocked reaction.  I said, “Yep, that’s it.”  She finished the exam and she went out to the nurse’s desk.  They called around and found a radiology place that could get me in at 3 pm to do a Mammogram and Ultrasound that day.  They also arranged for an appointment with Dr. Brad Smith (surgeon) tomorrow at 3:15 pm.
I decided to head down to Blackfoot and get the studs off of the car and then drop the tires off at Mom and Dad’s while I waited for the appointment.  I unfortunately confused the times for the appointment, thinking it was at 3:15 (the time for the appointment tomorrow).  I called them on the road and apologized that I would be about 15 min. late.  They said they didn’t know if they could see me since they had worked me into the schedule in the first place and that I would have to wait and see if they could get me in.  This was NOT a good time to have had that mix-up!  I was so angry at myself!  I picked up a booklet about Breast Cancer in the waiting room and started reading it. 

They got me back to the Mammogram but said they might not be able to get me into the Ultrasound.  The lady was really snippy with me…put on the gown… take off any deodorant…sit in this room and wait.  She took me back and after the first slide she started calling me “Honey” and was being much more compassionate.  That’s when I knew something really was wrong.  After I was done she said to leave the robe on because I had an appointment with Ultrasound.  I was taken to another room to wait and read some more of the Breast Cancer booklet.  

The Tech in Ultrasound took the images and then said the doctor usually likes to come in and look at them.  I have never had that happen before.  I’m referring to having several Uterus ultrasounds which revealed multiple cysts and fibroids, some measuring 16mm, resulting in long heavy periods and a uterus that was 4x the usual size.  The doctor came into the room and looked at the image then he sat down.  He had looked at the mammogram I had gotten at the end of September and said it was totally clear, there had been nothing there.  The tumor today measured 2.6 cm on the ultrasound and looked kind of like a heart.  He said it was “perplexing” and I needed a biopsy.  I asked if he could do it today.  He was getting ready to go on call but he said he would have time to do it.  The tech and nurse got me all ready and he came in.  He first tried to aspirate (draw fluid) the tumor.  I could see the needle trying to penetrate the wall like pushing a needle slowly against a balloon and it finally broke through.  He was unable to get any fluid out of it.  He then proceeded to take 5 core samples.  It didn’t hurt but it was uncomfortable and strange to be watching the ultrasound, seeing the needle go in, hearing the snap to cut the end of the core, drawing the tube back out.  After the last 3 of the 5 cores he would look at the core and say, “That is so strange.”  I ended up leaving about 5:15 pm.

I drove to Rexburg to visit with Rachel.  I mentioned the lump and biopsy to Rachel, but I tried not to make it seem very serious since I didn’t know anything definitive at that time.  I had such a good time playing with Braxton and visiting with Rachel and Terrance. 

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Waiting...


I called urgent care about the lump and they said they recommend you go to your regular doctor.  If I were to go to the ER they could order a mammogram and do a biopsy but they wouldn’t be able to do anything with them until Monday anyway.


While I was brushing my teeth I was thinking, “Why am I even taking care of my teeth if I’m not even going to be around to use them?”  It was a very long, awful night.  All I could see was Braxton’s little face and the thought of leaving my family was almost unbearable.  Not so much for me, but leaving them with that hole and how it would define the rest of their lives.  These thoughts resulted in a very tearful, fearful night.  All of the worse case scenarios occurring at the same time ran over and over in my mind.   My biggest fears were coming to pass.



Saturday, April 27, 2013

What was that?



11:30 pm I laid down in bed and put my hands on my upper chest.  What was that?  It felt like a large marble.  I asked Ray what he thought.  He looked pretty concerned.  I had discovered a lump on my upper right breast.  Of course it was a weekend (isn't that when the most worrisome things happen?) so I couldn’t do anything about it, but worry.